The Unusual

During my three years at the University of Miami, I’ve run into a certain paradox which repeatedly appears at the end of every semester: students buying drugs to assist them with schoolwork.

First off, to every student sitting in the library, or “Club Richter” as semi-motivated facebook-whoring dorks call it, you should be slapped.  Never in my right mind would I congregate in this center of academic slavery without an appropriate disguise, much less post it to Facebook as “Club Richter.”  To make it even worse, these vermin scurry around campus looking for Adderall or any uppers they can get their hands on so they can “focus.”

Everybody needs to stop pretending they came to this school for any reason other than to get fucked up on multitudes of drugs, live off their parents money, and lay face down on the beach in 80 degree sunlight.  If you’re a high school senior applying to Miami for any other reasons, throw out the application immediately and check out the Ivy League, aka hotbed of beat chicks and teetotaling do-gooders who spend their summers in Cambodia digging holes in the ground for people to shit in.

How does this drug even work?  Do people actually swallow it?  And it makes you do your homework better?  Last time I took it, all I wanted to do was throw bricks through windows and punch somebody in the face.  My schoolwork stayed tucked neatly in the way back of my vibrant mind, where it shall remain for all of eternity.

Bottom line: if you are purchasing an upper, such as Adderal, and it is not going up your nose on a Saturday night before South Beach, you’re doing it wrong.

Back in the day, you used to be able to down a fifth of Johnnie Walker’s and then drive to Publix for more.  Everyone drank and drove in our parents generation.  Cops never pulled anyone over, and the breathalyzer hadn’t even been invented.  It was a beautiful time.

But then some staticians figured out that drinking and driving was responsible for killing people, and the madness began.  Over a million people get arrested a year for DUI.  Activist groups such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) and RID (Remove Intoxicated Drivers) thrive like so many weeds.

Then some genius realized that text messaging while weaving through traffic is pretty risky.  Politicians got involved, and texting while driving became illegal in almost every state.  I even got a bullshit ticket while texting my bottom bitch at a red light on US-1.  Like, fuck you man, you know what I’m getting at with this text.  I even showed the officer the text to see if he’d give me a break.  Didn’t phase him a bit.

So drinking and driving is bad, agreed.  Texting and driving is dangerous, agreed.  But what about the other two?  Drinking and texting?

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Football Tournament? Lame. Talent show? Pain in the ass event that every frat boy sucks at and no one wants to see.  Here are the sorority philanthropy events that are worth participating in.

1. ADPI Calendar Shoot:  ADPI is brilliant for coming up with this one for the Ronald McDonald House Charity.  12 IFC fraternities=12 months of the year.  The ADPI girls invite you to their beautiful suite for a photo shoot with (preferably the best looking) guys in the fraternity.  Shirts are discouraged.  It’s the perfect recipe for success: 12 pages of chiseled frat boys so the sorority girls can pick their next mixer and the guy that they want to sleep with.

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If the title caught your attention: you’re one of them.  You’re googly-eyed, head-over-heels, in love with cash.  All you think about are ways to get money and ways to spend it.  It’s your number one priority in life.  What made you like this?

1. Escape From Current State: Money is your one-way ticket out of your current life.

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1. Fantasy Football: Nothing made me realize that I was living with a bunch of dorks until I walked in on one of these “drafts.”  Picture 20 guys sitting together in a room, all armed with laptops, anxiously waiting for the next draft choice in their made up league.  Some of them dress to impress by wearing their favorite football jerseys to bring them luck.  What is the point of this get-together?  So you can cheer in front of everyone when you get Luke McCown in the 9th round?  Football season becomes a second hell when watching every game you are riddled with “Glad I picked up Victor Cruz”, or “I wish I started Tebow this week.”  Oh yeah, all this mania is for the money: a whopping $100 or so to the winner.  I’ve got a better idea: fantasy money league.  Everyone starts out with 100 grand and we’ll see who can buy the flyest kicks and the hottest hookers.

2. Video Games: I love walking into a room and having no one acknowledge me.  Video games have to be the most antisocial social activity ever invented.  Everyone gets so intense when they play FIFA ‘11 or NBA Jams that they can’t even speak while they playing the game.  The worst is being stuck in a room where people are playing video games, no one speaks to you, and you are forced to watch them play the game.

3. Quoting TV Shows:  I hate getting a recap of last nights South Park and all the unfunny quotes that come with it.  I’m sick of hearing whatever stupid shit Johnny Drama said.  Thanks for repeating every line from Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  It’s so much funnier when you say it.

4. Pledges: I have a love-hate relationship with them.  They “help around the house” and “give us a ride once in a while” but they suck.  There’s like 2 million of them and somehow they all have my phone number. They are constantly texting me begging to hear about my boring life for an hour so they can tell their pledge master what good dogs they’ve been.  I’d rather listen to my girlfriend bitch for 10 hours a week and have her clean my room than deal with them.

5. Girls With Boyfriends: This one speaks for itself.  Don’t put the square peg in the circle hole.

6. Shitty music in another room: I should have invested a grand into a 3000 watt stereo system freshman year so I could force every loser who lived within 40 yards of my room to listen to the new Jadakiss mixtape.  If I hear another Mac Miller song blaring down the hall I’m gonna blast someone.

Every kid who is not rich at UM must do this at least once.  It’s one of my favorite nightlife activities.  Everybody knows that South Beach is all about being fucking loaded.  If you’re not rolling in dough, just fake it.  Somehow, someone I know knows someone who knows someone who can get us Grey Goose and a table at LIV for a ridiculously low price.  This is all good news for me because unlike the foreign kids at UM, I don’t have some oil rig in Saudi Arabia which brings me 8 million dollars a month.  I do have $100 to throw around once in a while so I can pretend I’m a celebrity.

Instructions: Know someone.  I don’t even know how to do this yet.  I know someone who knows someone who knows someone.  Put on your favorite, most expensive outfit.  Then post up at your table at whatever club you’re at.  Take a million pictures of the bottle and tables and tell everyone on facebook you’re VIP at the hottest club in the world. 

The experience is crazy.  All of a sudden dimes are coming up to you and trying to bum alcohol off your table.  They toss their hair to the side and flirt with you.  Would I ever take one of these hoes back to my $500 a month shithole in the fraternity house?  Never.  She won’t put out once she knows I don’t have a Ferrari.  Is that Lebron James at the table next to mine?  Don’t care.  How about Anna Kournikova on the other side?  Now I’m paying attention.

Being rich is fun.  Just don’t get ahead of yourself.  Realize that 90% of UM kids who have tables are faking it.  They aren’t actually that rich.  And neither are you.

I always got the sickest haircuts in my town.  Everyone knew where to get their hair cut.  You went to your barber, he knew exactly what you wanted every time, and you always bragged about how you had a better haircut than all your friends.  Nothing was better than walking into the barbershop on a random friday afternoon and seeing your friends in the other chairs getting lined up for the weekend.  I even knew a dude who cut hair in his basement and could put any type of design in your head.  For $30, he could line the Mona Lisa in your head better than DaVinci.

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Over the past few years of watching sports and porn, I’ve become acquainted with this character called Kim Kardashian.  Now, I hate following celebrities bullshit lives more than anyone else, but since I am an NBA fan, I am forced to hear about her ghettoized version of the Royal Wedding and her subsequent divorce.

At what point do you completely lose respect for a human being?  Why is this mannequin getting endorsement deals, TV shows, or even the opportunity to speak?  I get it, she’s the hottest woman on the planet.  The only thing she should be doing is taking her clothes off in pictures and making pornographic films for Friday night loners such as myself.

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Which Sorority Hand Symbol Is Best?

Sororities are like street gangs.  They all have hand/arm symbols to represent their existence and unity.  Some of them are cool.  Some are pretty lame.  Lets look:

1. Kappa Kappa Gamma:  These girls have the best combo.  They have one which is normal, looks like they incorporate their letters in the hand symbol (KKG)

Heres the kicker:

This one is sweet.  It represents their mascot, the owl.  It’s unusual.  It may not look great in a group photo like this, but I bet it’s a blast when they’re at a party and taking pictures of this pose.  It’s like when the photographer takes “one serious, one goofy” pictures.

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Regarding the army of hipsters protesting on Wall Street and all their supporters, read this mini-autobiography.

Corporations look for two main things in a new hire/employee:

1. Hard-working.  This kid clearly has it.  30 hours a week, plus school?  That’s busting ass.  You can teach a skill or talent, but you can’t teach simple determination.
2. Positive Energy.  There are plenty of hard-working complainers out there.  I know too many people who pay their own tuition and expenses and constantly bitch about it. When you join a company, if you hope to become promoted, you will work hard.  You will pay expenses and be subjected to unfair decisions by your boss.  Through all of that, your boss will not put up with your bitching.  You have to come to work every day, smile, and look positively towards the future.  This kid seems to understand the importance of a positive vibe in business and personal relationships.

I respect protesters.  I think it took balls for Martin Luther King and crew to march for their civil rights.  I respect union strikes, where hopeless blue-collar workers work their ass off and feel they aren’t paid enough.  What I don’t respect is a bunch of negative people who complain about issues they are completely in control of.

Message to the protesters: sack up.  Stop being pussies.  The system may not be completely fair, but you are more or less in control of your income.

Bonus points: Companies like new ideas and creativity.  So far, this picture has been shared 53,000 times.  What are the chances that a company out there is looking for this kids name?