The Unusual

Shopping as a broke college student (I neither have access to daddy’s plastic nor a trust fund) can be beyond heart-breaking. Shopping in Miami is killer!  It’s not even like just Downtown or just “this” mall has the best shopping… it is literally every other street corner.  Every time I set out to accomplish something important and see fashion merchandise, I’m gone.  The mannequins beckon me, the racks become illuminated, drool starts dripping out of my mouth and I start to feel all hot and bothered inside.  I swear, if I could, I’d buy out all those little shops/boutiques you see at Sunset and the Grove in one sitting.  But I can’t, at least not yet, so I scrounge together my nickels and browse the sale-racks of those trendy knock-off type stores. 

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Is beauty in the eye of the beholder?  Is imitation the lowest form of flattery?  Are UM chicas entirely without self-respect?  These are the questions I spend sleepless hours pondering.  You’d think an environment so affulent would create endless creative possibilites, regarding wardrobe.  But you know what they say: “Mo’ money, mo’ problems’.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a personal crusader for preserving certain styles; I love to channel my favorite glamorous fashion icons and vintage vixens while selecting an ensemble for myself.  But seriously, the saddest day of your life is the day you show up to an important event only to realize that some other girl is ripping off the same idea that you are.  It should be illegal.  Theft is a crime. 

Take, for example, the picture-perfect sexual bombshell and silicone goddess extrordinare, Megan Fox.  In October 2009, she graced the cover of Rolling Stone wearing a curve enhancing, half-see through leotard with the chest basically cut out.  Fucking sexy.  Two years later, my poor eyes have completely OD-ed on this terrible trend.Ladies, Megan Fox is really two years ago.  And ladies, you are not Megan Fox.  To see, precisely, what I no longer wish to see.  Check out the pics after the jump.

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Women—dress yourself before you wreck yourself, and please avoid making the following mistakes:

MESSY BUN ON TOP OF THE HEAD
Ugh, why do girls think this hairstyle is even REMOTELY attractive?!  I can’t think of a single girl (I’ve seen guys with buns before but not particularly on top of his head) that actually looks half decent with a bun pulled to the top of her head.  Unless you’re at the gym, a scuba-diving lesson, the ER or a rehab center, you have no excuse. Run a flat iron through that shit, take a shower… you could at least hide your mane in a wide headband.  Or something.  Anything.  Please?

MUSCLE TEES WITH AB-CUTOUTS
I used to think the cutoff muscle tee was strictly for Sobe’s trashiest and most extroverted gorillas.  Turns out anyone who is blessed with abs will flaunt a t-shirt with the sides completely cut out.  Normally, I don’t mind a peep show.  In fact, I love nudity.  But this just looks desperate.  If you’re going to put in that much effort to just to get people to notice your perfectly chiseled bod, you might as well walk around naked.  Seriously.  At least I won’t have to be terrorized by that poor shirt you slaughtered in the process of doing so.

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Yesterday I decided to skip class and volunteer at the UM Hillel Fashion Show. The show took place in the backyard of a rich Jewish family on Star Island. The second we showed up, the coordinator assigned us the job of signing in the guests. It was probably the worst job. We had to sit outside in the humidity and listen to Jappy Miami moms screaming their last names in our faces. What’s worse is that the whole time I was actually jealous of these 50-year-old moms. They wore such sexy and expensive clothing. They looked better than I would ever look.

After an hour of torture we were finally released from our duty. We immediately ran to the open bar and ordered a drink conveniently called “The Hurricane”. The show itself was okay at best. The clothes modeled were cute. Very typical of Miami. Very LF. There were even some pieces designed by UM students which was cool.

However, it was obvious that the show was student run. The queues were off. Some models didn’t change in time and they were forced to have girls walk twice in a row. There were long pauses during which you could see the coordinator freaking out in the back. One girl wore a completely see through dress. And the show was just too short. For all the hype and all the money spent - $75 per guest – the show only lasted a total of about 25 min. Each model only tried on no more than 3 outfits.

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Although the University of Miami is brimming with cultural and ethnic diversity, there is a serious lack of creativity when it comes to our sartorial identities. What do I mean?  Simply this—all of us dress the same.  Its literally overwhelming to see so many people, women especially, flaunting the same fashions (or lack thereof).  I even feel as if there is a bit of a school uniform thing going on.  I know it sounds ridiculous, and you’ll have to excuse the fact that I am an ex-Catholic schoolgirl, but keep your eye out for the redundancies, and you will see this look repeated again and again around campus:

Tiny Cutoff Jean Shorts
UM is the home of the endless summer.  Only here will you see girls walking around in denim belts… I mean shorts.. any time of day, any time of year.  Apparently, little ripped fragments of fabric is the perfect way to flaunt those mile-long, tanned leg we work so hard to maintain.  But hey, why complain?  My eyes are pleased.  Note: girls over 115 lbs. usually won’t be caught twice rockin’ the Daisy Dukes.

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