The Unusual

I don’t dig dudes in Fedoras.  Not only is the uber-feminine summertime accessory totally two years ago, its festival season targeted look is repeatedly overplayed everywhere from lincoln road to the local middle school. No thanks.  In my opinion, it’s always looked douche-y but now I have a legitimate reason to express resentment.  It didn’t even work for K-Fed, before he became obese, when he was still married to Britney Spears.  I just want to put the (male) fedora in the vault alongside….

Summer scarves.  They are redundant in themselves but guys rockin’ the man-scarf just takes it to the next level.  I don’t really see the appeal in dating someone of the opposite sex if all they do is jock your style, anyway.  Thin cloth draped around a thick(ish) neck for no potential of providing warmth on a shitty day seems so silly. 

MUSTACHE TATTOOS

I can’t tell you how many people I know who pride themselves on a tatted index finger.  Like, I guess it seemed kind of cool the first time I saw it… back when I thought I would never see someone else drunkenly pull the balls to permanently commit to a trend discovered in high school.  At this point, it’s so unoriginal it would become, yet another, repeat offender.

MUSTACHES IN GENERAL

I just don’t get it.  That get-up would be just as cute, minus the stash.  Why are mustaches so trendy right now?  They’re not even fun… I’ve usually just learned to associate them with that tickle-y feeling and I don’t like it too much.  Am I missing something? 

STAR OF DAVID TATTOOS

Only in Miami, have I seen people inked with irony.  Religion in general is such a killed tattoo concept, but this just makes no sense.  My Jewish mother would KILL me if I ever surprised the world with a tat, based solely upon the arguments by the laws of Judaism.  I guess I should be more sensitive toward the expressions of individuals.  But still.

Ok, I just thought this one was too hilarious. 

PRICE INCREASE AT STARBUCKS

The community of Starbucks-obsessed, ‘daily fix’-esque frequent buyers clearly are not caffeine-obsessed.  I won’t even go for the venti and still end up paying close to ten dollars.  It just doesn’t work out for those people who actually run on caffeine and/or amphetamines.   The rip-off prices, paired with the obnoxiously loud voices of the bratty customers and exhaustively long lines have really ruined my Starbucks on campus experience altogether.  Now I tote around a little bottle of caffeine pills.  How much fun do you think I’m having.

THE ‘SMOKERS POLE’

Biggest waste of time on campus.  Who is going to take the time to find the designated smoking locations and then seek out a stupid pole.  And why do they have to label that shit so gaudily? We can read, for Christ’s sake.  Don’t make the poor smokers feel bad about themselves, now.

SWAG

This is getting really embarrassing.  How many ways are people going to incorporate the damn catch phrase into a dumb sentence (or not!) and print it on a t-shirt.  People just really need to cool it on the graphic t-shirt with corny catch-phrase look.  Let’s please go back to a time of a little more mystery, where communication isn’t so effortlessly blunt?

DOGS AS A MALE ACCESSORY

Don’t take this the wrong way.  I am obsessed with little animals, especially dogs.  My little Puff is my pride and joy.  But it is so embarrassingly disrespectful towards those dumb enough to fall for it.  OH MY GOD you have a dog?? Sleep with me now, please!  As if.  You’re actually going to need half a brain for that one, homeboy.  And you better be spoiling the shit out of that damn dog. 

SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT/INDOORS

Again, another Miami-dominant demographic.  Sunglasses at night were totally Corey Hart’s first.  Can’t we at least give the one-hit-wonder that?  I understand there are certain dire occasions in which the sunglasses at night or indoors are really necessary in public.  Look, if I could have it my way, there would be no rules regarding public behavior while under the influence and we wouldn’t have to worry about this problem.  But, this is Florida so people are either going to be shielding their eyes from sun or shielding the public’s eyes from their dilated pupils.  If you’re posted in the corner of some nightclub with the shades, OF COURSE I’m going to be reluctant to back it up on you… you could be some nasty-ass grease bomb hiding behind there.  And usually, you are.