The Unusual

The Rat used to be the number one “people watching” spot on campus. Now that the Rat sucks, the gym has taken its spot. The Patti and Allan Herbert Wellness Center is one of the most interesting places at UM. Today while trying to distract my mind from the torture I was inflicting on my body, I did some serious people watching. Sometimes the iPod just doesn’t cut it. I noticed that I could take one look at a person and tell their gym history.

There are the regulars. As a non-regular, I hate the regulars. These are the people that go to the gym 5-7 times a week. By hate I mean envy. I don’t understand how these people can convince themselves to work out every day. No excuses. The regulars have a routine. They go to the gym so often that spontaneity is off the table.

Female regulars are decked out in the tightest spandex and sports bra, with some sort of loose tank top or t-shirt they acquired in high school or college. Their routine consists of about 30 minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes on the treadmill, and 15 minutes of “abs”. They have good bodies. Skinny arms, semi-muscular legs. They are fit, but not too fit.

Male regulars wear self-made muscle tees. As usual, it’s always a competition for men. They only receive satisfaction from the fact that their muscles are bigger than their frat bro’s – not from the fact that they are improving their health by working out. I’m clearly not so familiar with the male routine but I assume its about 20 minutes of cardio followed by a rotation though the machines. Male regulars also have good bodies. They focus on developing their arms so they can show off their muscles on Saturdays at the football games.

Then there are the freshmen who just started going to the gym. I can spot these guys from a mile away. They are the scrawny white guys who still wear muscle tees to show their small but developing muscles. The newbies still don’t have a routine. They usually follow whatever their more experienced friend from the dorms does. I love watching the newbies struggle to catch up. It’s so cute.

My favorites are the girls who could lose a few pounds. These girls are not obese but are visibly bigger than usual. They are the ones struggling to make going to the gym an every day habit. There periods where they go to the gym three times a week, and there are periods where they give up and say that working out makes no impact on their body so there’s no point in going. They don’t have enough workout clothes so they find themselves doing laundry more often then usual. These girls are my fav because I totally feel their pain.

The showoffs. You know who I’m talking about. The guys who purposely position themselves next to the cardio area, near the mats so that they have an audience. Sometimes you’ll find the showoffs doing cool tricks with a jump rope. Sometimes they move the stepping block out so that they are more visible when jumping. Today I saw a guy doing weird-ass arm and leg exercises in the middle of the walkway. Like come on man, you look like a retard. 

The oldies. Scratch what I said before. These guys are my fav. I always wonder what they’re doing at the UM gym. Yeah, it’s a very nice gym. But not nice enough to be worth working out with students that are younger than their own kids. Although I must say, every time I see an old man on a machine I think of my adorable grandpa who just started walking on the treadmill every day because of his diabetes.

The girls who know how to use machines. Out of all the girls that go to the gym only about 15% normally use the machines. I’ll admit, I’m not one of these girls. The machines are just so….ugh. My thinking is that the machines will only make a difference in your arms or legs if you spend a significant time on them. 10-15 minutes won’t help. All the power to the girls who have the patience for the machines. 

I had to cut my workout short to make it home in time for XFactor so that’s all the people watching I was able to do today. Feel free to add any other category of gym-goers that you know of.